There’s a lot of really soul-shaking news out there in the world today…My heart goes out to Norway and the friends and family of Amy Winehouse.
Amy Winehouse
A few words on Amy, as her death has hit home particularly hard. I’m very sad today about this. There’s been no confirmation as to her cause of death though it’s hard not to make assumptions.
When her album “Back To Black” came out in late 2006, I was a pretty miserable mess who was far more interested in indulging the bad girl inside of me that I had repressed as an adolescent than being a functioning or productive member of society. I remember hearing the song “Rehab” for the first time and knowing that I had discovered a kindred spirit. So much so that the friend of mine who played me that song said “it’s like she’s you!” I wore that badge very proudly now that I had a sister in singing and bad girl-dom who was from my generation at my side (up until then my favorite bad girls to look up to were Courtney Love, Stevie Nicks and Janis Joplin – see a pattern?). I don’t think I listened to anything else for the rest of that and the following year as everything paled in comparison. Everything seemed too ‘happy’ and undamaged and I could only relate to destruction, especially destruction with a sense of humor. Not to mention those killer pipes, which, as a singer myself, I found so inspiring.
As time went by and destruction seemed to be the name of the game for me, I eventually and gratefully started to grow up a little bit. I dropped some of the need to be the bad girl and started to clean up some of the mess I saw around me. My heart fell every time I heard more stories about the sad cycles Amy seemed to be in, and hoped that she too would start to come out of that haze. I was even more saddened and horrified by the intense and compassion-less scrutiny that followed her around in the press as there is no way that that is helpful to anyone who is in the midst of that kind of illness (also, I just want to point out the hypocrisy of these publications who, for the last few years, happily poked fun at and wrote stories and shared videos of her lowest moments only now to be seen calling her a ‘legend’ and sharing her ‘best moments’. I won’t name names, shmen shmem shee and shmolling shtone. Here’s a good article from the almost always decent AV Club).
I never gave up hope for her, as I always thought that if I could do it, she certainly could, and I was uplifted by recent news of her doing shows again (and tried very hard to ignore the nasty things the press was saying about the shows).
I once had tickets to see her in September of 2007 right when she has started cancelling shows – this one was no exception. I didn’t think much of it, perhaps out of blind optimism (remember I felt like she and I were somehow cosmically linked – if I gave up on her, I was giving up on myself), I always thought I’d be given the chance to see her live. I wanted to scream and yell for her and her amazing talent and all of the strange comfort she had brought me in a rough time. Now that chance will never come.
On my 28th birthday I remember laughing to myself that I’d out-lived so many of my greatest musical heroes (Kurt, Janis, Jimi). I’d actually made it. It breaks my heart that Amy didn’t and will now have to be added to that list. I’d always hoped we’d see the other side together.
If nothing else, today should be a day to reflect on positive choices you make for yourself. Trying your best to stay healthy, doing the best you can to get through the dark moments.
For anyone out there still struggling with any kind of personal demons, I’m thinking of you and sending my love.
Here’s my favorite song of Amy’s. Rest In Peace.
